menTELL MONDAY - LUKE'S STORY


 

TW: Talks about drug usage

 

Towards the back end of 2018 I fell into a deep depression. I had been through quite drastic changes in my life and quite a lot of confrontation. At this point in my life I had always recreationally used cocaine and sometimes due to my addictive personality would stay up a day extra than most wanting the feeling to continue.



Towards the back end of 2018 I fell into a deep depression. I had been through quite drastic changes in my life and quite a lot of confrontation. At this point in my life I had always recreationally used cocaine and sometimes due to my addictive personality would stay up a day extra than most wanting the feeling to continue.

It was only around Christmas 2018 that for the first time I found I couldn’t physically stop. This first period lasted four days of me being awake before finally crashing. When I woke up once again I realised my reality was one I did not want to face. And I had collapsed still having cocaine in my possession so I picked up where I left off.

From this day for 2 years (apart from three months where I left the country trying to escape myself only to come back and take cocaine the moment my plane landed and I was out of the airport) I did not spend one waking moment sober. He thought of facing my reality would give me panic attacks and I was willing to do anything necessary to anyone who would try to get me to come back down to reality.

Regularly I would be awake a total of 10 days (240hours) at a time. Until all my body functions would shut down I would start moving limbs without willing them to move and ranting in languages I didn’t even know myself. A regular occurrence that I familiarised myself with and therefore didn’t shy from them or fear them was love hallucinations I could have conversations with which actually kept me company when the “fun” stopped for people who would initially be around me to feed off me and they went back to their lives.


Amazingly to some higher power I still don’t understand the last bad session I took a look at myself burst into tears and said enough was enough. And sure enough I’m coming up to one year completely sober this June (2022).

My family held interventions for me. Friends turned from me as they couldn’t stand the site of what it was doing to me and the police would conduct regular welfare checks. I saw the doctor to see if they would section me but they pinned it down to being a drug problem not a mental health problem.

The only time I ever looked normal was the days I was awake and on cocaine. The only time I looked like I was on drugs was either the 9th or 10th day awake and when I would wake up from collapsing. I still went to work sometimes I still did odd jobs to make sure I could pay my habit. Most of all I would take out loans or use but now pay later sites, fully believing this would be the death of me and I wouldn’t need to ever pay them back.

I didn’t want to feel this way. I would jokingly pass it off as not a problem and just an expensive hobby. But I was in a rut. When asked what made me happy I would burst into tears. I would spend days sat in the same place only moving to go the toilet or have a line. I encouraged toxic company just to have company at all and allowed myself to either be used or sometimes even use people for a selfish need.


I’m 2020 I decided enough was enough. I don’t know how but I managed to tell myself I’m going to do a bodybuilding show and go cold turkey. And sure enough my addictive personality was able to throw itself into it. I went from 2 years not one day sober to 6 months sober and third place in the British open novice bodybuilding.

Unfortunately shortly after this I had a relapse due to relationship breakdown and backwards steps taken in my life. Or so it seemed to me and I was consumed once more for another 6 months.

Amazingly to some higher power I still don’t understand the last bad session I took a look at myself burst into tears and said enough was enough. And sure enough I’m coming up to one year completely sober this June (2022).

I have been left with a high debt management payment plan and nightmares that haunt me pretty much daily. I constantly have nightmares of a relapse and they put me on so much edge. And my debts are a constant reminder of the dark past I’ve left behind but always lingers.

I have truly truly turned my life around. I now work 80 hours over 2 gyms. Live fully independently in a 3 bedroom house despite my outgoings with debt management, study an open university degree in sport and exercise coaching and I am currently preparing myself for the hardest bodybuilding competition I have ever entered which takes place on the 10th of September 2022.



Daily I fight back demons and urges. Daily I win the battle but I know the war is never over.



Talking helps me so much. Giving insight on what I’ve been through and letting others see it’s ok not to be ok and they can talk about it and you can get yourself out of any hole really helps me get through each day.

Thank you for taking the time to read this I hope you find some message or hope in what I’ve written.



PICTURE: Luke